Question: How to root out the expectation?
Karl Renz: By grace there will be no expectation, but not by your wanting it. If your suffering is deep enough, your despair or your longing is strong enough, you will surrender to That.
Your surrendering will happen by… It will feel like a rape. As something is raping you. And you have no other choice then giving your attention to That. It’s not your choice. You will never do it by choice. It’s just – you cannot avoid it. That you give only attention to That. And it will happen in spite of your wanting it or not. It’s not in your hand.
That’s why it calls grace. Grace will do it. Carelessness. It doesn’t even know you. It shows no mercy. It will just… And you will say – “Oh, I feel like rape, I don’t want that.” But you have to do it. It’s like the people who go to the caves or hermits, or to Arunachala to sit there, it’s not by choice. They may see – “Oh, I chose now to go.” No, it’s not their choice. Circumstance dictates. It’s a total dictation of Totality. That you have to do it. It’s not that you can – “Now I do it and then bla-bla-bla. Just for holiday, now I make this and this…” It’s a total demand of Totality. That you have to do it, in spite of your wanting it or not.
But without that demand of Totality it cannot happen anyway. So, if it’s meant to happen, it will happen. But not by your having an idea – it will be nice or something. Whatever advantage. No. What is meant to happen, will happen. In spite of your liking it or not.
I just sit here and tell you – don’t mind. Because this is not a rape. This is grace. This is just like a callback into whatever. And the destruction of your so called precious things, and that you have to let go of thing… Enjoy it. Don’t take it personal. And the suffering is nothing bad, and the despair, because is part of grace. And it’s not something what one should – poor me or something. No. “Yes! Take me. Hallelujah. I am not ready, but take me anyway.”
Because no one will ever be ready for That. If you wait to be ready for That, you will wait forever. You will never be ready. It will take you, in spite of your being ready or not. That is like you are already in the tiger’s mouth if you like it or not. And you will be swallowed. And it doesn’t feel good. And it’s not meant to feel good. It’s not like doctor Feelgood comes and takes you in your arm, and leads you to heaven. And then you are swimming in a wellness of whatever bla-bla-bla. Blissful. No, it is a rape. It’s not what you wish for. It’s not what you expect. It’s maybe the totally opposite.